Trauma leaves its mark, often in ways we cannot see. But one of the most misunderstood truths about surviving trauma is this: the bravest act is not merely enduring the pain or reclaiming our lives. Sometimes, the hardest part is choosing not to hurt anyone else.
Carrying the invisible wounds
We live in a world where trauma is far too common. Statistics suggest that about one in five adults, aged 16–59 reported experiencing some form of abuse as children.Those wounds don’t vanish overnight when the abuse ends.
Decades of research show that childhood abuse, whether physical, sexual or emotional, is strongly linked to long-term health problems: chronic illness, depression, substance use. One study found that of adults who experienced abuse as children, 36% went on to face domestic abuse themselves.
Yes, victims may become victims again. But here’s what many don’t fully grasp: the potential to become the perpetrator is a shadow that haunts many survivors too.
The hidden risk: passing on the pain
There’s a phrase in trauma studies: “the cycle of violence.” It refers to the pattern where someone who has been harmed becomes someone who harms. But let’s be clear, risk isn’t destiny.
One fairly well-known study of people with histories of intravenous drug use found that among those who were physically or sexually abused before age 16, 28% reported victimising others later (versus 10% among those who had not been abused). The odds ratio was 3.6 (i.e., substantially higher).This suggests a strong association in that sample.
Another meta-analysis found that among male perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse, 35% had themselves been victims, compared with 11% of non-perpetrators. But, and this is crucial, the vast majority of survivors do not go on to abuse. For example, organisations working with child abuse survivors emphasise that “the vast majority live their lives without ever sexually abusing others.”
So what is going on?
- Trauma often creates cycles of pain: shame, anger, mistrust, hyper-vigilance.
- Without healing, those internal storms can turn outward.
- The “easy” route – unwanted, unacknowledged – is to lash out.
- The harder, rarer path is to refuse the role of victim and refuse the role of abuser.
Why refusing the role of the abuser is so hard
1. Emotional echo
The one who hurts you leaves traces: fear, confusion, anger, internalised belief that you’re unsafe or powerful, powerless, or both. That echo can replay into violence.
2. Identity trap
“I was the victim” becomes a story. Eventually, power dynamics shift: you might become the one with power, or you might keep feeling powerless and lash out.
3. Lack of support
Many survivors don’t get help early. They carry trauma into adulthood, into relationships, into parenting, into work. Without processing, the stress builds.
4. Shame and secrecy
Trauma thrives in silence. That silence can morph into aggression: if you were taught hurt is the way to communicate or claim space, you might unconsciously revert to it.
5. Redemption fatigue
Healing is not linear. Some survivors believe: “If I survive, I must be strong.” They suppress vulnerability, over-control others, punish, to not feel what they feel. That can look like hurting.
Breaking the cycle: choosing differently
Here’s the radical beauty of healing: it isn’t just about being healed. It’s about choosing not to be what hurt you. That is deeper work.
- Awareness:
Recognising the cycle. Understanding that you were harmed, and that harm can translate into harming others, but it doesn’t have to.
- Accountability:
Not blaming yourself for the past, but owning your choices in the present. “I was hurt” ≠ “I must hurt someone else.”
- Repair rituals:
Therapy isn’t a luxury, it’s a tool. Talking to someone helps prevent old wounds from becoming new wounds for someone else.
- Boundaries:
Learning what you will and won’t tolerate, not just from others, but from yourself.
- Compassionate strength:
The paradox: the bravest thing you can do is stay soft enough to feel and strong enough to protect others from pain.
Victims rewriting the end of the story
Imagine this: a person who grew up in a home where they were belittled, controlled, beaten. They witnessed shouting, fear, isolation. Many in that home didn’t live to tell the tale. Our survivor did.
Now they face adult life. The instinct: “I will never lose again.” But carried unexamined, that instinct becomes domination, punishing others before they punish you.
Instead, this survivor pauses. They say: “I will never let that fear remake me. I will never make someone else small so I can feel large.” That pause changes everything.
Statistically, though, they’re in the minority. Because while many understand the victim part, fewer engage the work to refuse being the perpetrator. And that work isn’t visible but it is profound.
Why this matters for our community
As Muslims, many of whom are navigating identity, faith, healing, purpose, this matter transcends psychology: it touches ethics, spirituality, legacy.
- In faith terms, to be harmed is a test; to harm in turn is defeat.
- In cultural terms, trauma doesn’t stop at the individual, it ripples through family, community, future generations.
- In practical terms, when survivors refuse to pass on the pain, they become guardians of hope. They heal and they prevent new wounds.
You don’t have to forget what was done to you. But in refusing to pass it on, you reclaim power you never had and render the old story powerless.
To read this and say, “I will not hurt someone else in the name of my pain” that is a victory.
To reach out for help even when you think you’re “fine”, that is a defense.
To forgive the possibility of hurting, not necessarily yourself or others yet, but the possibility, that is transformation.
Trauma does not define you. Control your response. Choose healing. Choose restraint. Choose to end the story not with harm, but with kindness. Because sometimes the hardest part of healing isn’t enduring the hurt, it’s refusing to become the hurter.
Let’s walk that path together.
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